Little Blond Prancing Boy's Drugfilled Adventure!
by chibilinnet
Summary: Dost ye know the story of Little Blond Prancing Boy? This wonderful fairy tale starts off when Little Blond Prancing Boy has to deliver a basket of drugs to his grandmother...[late Jingly chapter up]
1. The Stupid thing starts

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Little Blond Prancing Boy

by chibilinnet

OK, since Square announcing KH2 destroyed my KH2 story, I present to you, a story that uses aforementioned KH2 characters without actually using their names. Or something to that extent. Of course, your regular KH1 characters might be here too ^_^ Will make more sense if you saw the Kh2 trailer.

DIDN'T YOU PEOPLE SEE THE COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF ERRORS?? XD, Actually, I'm glad you people didn't, because that would crush my non-existent ego x_x but ya know, I was just surprised I forgot to proofread it XD.

10 reviews... my ego has been restored +_+ I love you people.

WARNING: This fic contains rampant drug use. In fact, the whole thing involves drugs. If this offends you, please do not read.

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There was a happy place called Twilight Town. No, it was not the Twilight Zone with the annoying music, but a happy place where the sun was always at the horizon and thus constantly glaring at your eyes. It made people sad.

But not Little Blond Prancing Boy, oh no, he was always happy. So happy that he always pranced around the town streets singing songs. See, he was one of the few smart enough to wear sunglasses.

Today, however, Little Blond Prancing Boy was not going to prance around the streets of Twilight Town. Nay, his mother had asked him to set out on an important task that could mean life or death.

"Little Blond Prancing Boy!" His mother called. Little Blond Prancing Boy was compelled to obey the voice, and he pranced to his mother as fast as a virus decimating your computer.

"Yes, Mother?" He replied, with an intelligent sounding British accent. I wish *I* had an intelligent sounding British accent. It's not fair, I WANNA SOUND INTELLIGENT! 

I-

Ansem: O_O *SLAP*

x_x thanks.

Anyway, before I started ranting, Little Blond Prancing Boy's Mother gave him a tidy little basket. It looked like an ordinary picnic basket, with a little blanket sticking out of the corner.

Unknown to Little Blond Prancing Boy, it was actually filled with 2 bags of cocaine, a small medicine bottle filled with GHB, a packet of speed pills and LSD pills, and to top it all off, some cyanide. I sure hope Little Blond Prancing Boy doesn't meet any feds.

"Deliver this to Grandma, dear." His Mother instructed, slapping his hand when Little Blond Prancing Boy tried to open it.

"... OK Mother!" Little Blond Prancing Boy replied childishly, sounding oh-so-intelligent with his spiffy accent. Beesh. I hope he does meet some feds along the way to Grandma's house.

Ah, but unknown to them, there was someone watching from outside the house. And he had seen Little Blond Prancing Boy's Mother put drugs in the basket. He desired the drugs so, and he began formulating his plan to steal aforementioned drugs from Little Blond Prancing Boy.

This person was Angry Pyro Moomba Man, for he had spiky flame red hair and he could create a ring of fire any time he wished. But because I'm too lazy to type out Angry Pyro Moomba Man, I shall call him "Margret."

"Actually, I would prefer you called me 'Angry Pyro Moomba Man." Margret suggested.

No, I like Margret better.

Margret hung her... his... it's head in defeat. But what's in a name? There were drugs to be stolen! 

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" Margret cackled. A fly flew in his open mouth and he gagged and choked for a few minutes.

Hee hee.

~~~

And off Little Blond Prancing Boy went, prancing along the path to his dear grandmother's house. And he decided to sing a happy song while he was prancing so all the little birdies could come and join him.

"_When you walk away, you don't hear me say..._" He sang, and the little birdies did come and follow him around and chirp...

...Only to be shot down by hunters and eaten by dogs. Ha ha. Stupid birdies.

Margret followed close behind, stepping over the dead birdy bodies. Margret felt sad. But then he remembered about the drugs. And so, Little Blond Prancing Boy pranced throughout the woods, unaware of the drug addict trailing close behind.

And then, very soon, Little Blond Prancing Boy saw a bridge! It was a pretty bridge, one that you could easily burn down but couldn't because it was pretty. Little Blond Prancing Boy was about to prance across the bridge when a black cloaked figure stopped him.

"Hello? What's this?" Little Blond Prancing Boy wondered aloud, in typical storybook fashion. Margret meeped and dove behind a tree. A happy poison Ivy bush was growing behind the tree and there was also a nest of angry rattlesnakes, despite the fact they live in deserts!

Ignoring Margret's muffled screaming, the Blackcoat introduced himself.

"I am Blackcoat, Unknown, The Enigmatic Man, Ansem's lackey, etc. I guard this bridge, and you cannot cross!" Blackcoat hissed. He raised his arms to serve as a gate.

Of course, Little Blond Prancing Boy could just prance right under his arms, but he still had his manners. 

"But I must pass, Blackcoat, I need to deliver this... picnic basket full of... stuff to my grandmother!" Little Blond Prancing Boy pleaded. 

Blackcoat didn't budge, but something in his villainous heart melted away in a plastic bowl filled with rat poison and he felt compelled to give the boy a chance. 

"Very well, boy, if you can solve my riddle, I will let you cross this bridge. But if you cannot, I must eat you." Blackcoat laid down the rules. They were typical, but this is a children's tale... somewhat. It is to be expected.

"I'm good at riddles! Bring it on, fucker... I mean, go on. Tee hee, I swore..." Little Blond Prancing Boy accepted, giggling like a moron. Blackcoat stared at him strangely and began searching his pockets, looking for his happy book of riddles that confused people and allowed him to consume them.

"Damn it, where is it..." Blackcoat muttered. Little Blond Prancing Boy just stood there patiently, resisting the homicidal urge to grab a stick and stab him many times in the chest. Then he would pour kerosene on Blackcoat's twitching body and set it on fire, doing a dance of doom singing praise to-

"Ah ha!" Blackcoat grinned, breaking Little Blond Prancing Boy out of his homicidal reverie. Pulling out a black pocket book, he flipped around a bit while Little Blond Prancing Boy impatiently tapped his foot.

"You know, my grandma could be dying and in pain right now and this just happens to be MEDICINE I'm delivering to her..." Little Blond Prancing Boy suggested, trying to make Blackcoat go faster. Blackcoat just rolled his eyes.

"Idiot, this is a new millennium. You buy your drugs from Canada via Internet, not have some stupid kid deliver them. What is this, some children's book?"

"Actua-"

"That's not the point. Shut up, I'm looking."

Little Blond Prancing Boy continued to tap his foot impatiently. 

Meanwhile, Margret had tumbled from the evil tree with snakes and ivy to a nice normal tree that had no evil plants or poisonous animals in it. Licking his wounds, Margret hissed and cast a glance at Little Blond Prancing Boy's picnic basket.

Maybe if Blackcoat eats him, I can grab the basket! Margret thought with glee. He eagerly awaited the cannibalistic eating.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

"FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, JUST ASK ME A RIDDLE ALREADY!" Little Blond Prancing Boy and Margret screamed. Blackcoat hissed and smacked him with the riddle book.

"QUIET, FOOL CHILD! I'M TRYING TO MAKE THIS AS HARD AS I CAN SO I DON'T FEEL GUILTY WHEN I EAT YOU!" Blackcoat screamed back. Little Blond Prancing Boy backed away slowly.

Then Little Blond Prancing boy had an idea!

Slowly, while Blackcoat was still muttering something about conscience and how chickens make good sex toys (I personally do not want to know), Little Blond Prancing Boy took advantage of his own shortness and slipped past Blackcoat. He ran away screaming as soon as his feet touched the bridge.

Blackcoat didn't even look up.

Margret gasped. Then cursed. This sure made his job a lot of easier.

"Oh well, the git is so oblivious anyway, I can probably waltz by!" Margret decided. Being a newbie villain, he realized that he doesn't get any of the same lucky breaks the heroes do.

So, as Margret was just about to creep on the bridge, a hand yanked his collar and pulled him back, sending him plummeting to the ground.

"YOU!" Blackcoat grumbled. "I dunno what happened to the kid, but I selected my riddle, and YOU must answer them! OR I SHALL EAT YOU!" Blackcoat expressed this quite nicely by waving a splooge covered butcher knife.

"Ok..." Margret gulped, having an idea of which body part he intended to eat first.

"Alright, here we go. What hand are the skittles in??" Blackcoat eagerly asked. He outstretched his two gloved hands. Margret stared at him with a confused expression on his face.

"That's not a riddle! That's a-"

"QUIET! ANSWER, OR BE CONSUMED!"

"In your thong!" Margret rolled his eyes.

"... Damn, how did you know...?" Blackcoat muttered sheepishly, moving aside. Margret grinned and strutted across the bridge, enjoying life. It was when he reached the middle of it when he heard the sharp crack.

"Oh shi-"

Apparently, while the bridge was pretty, it wasn't very sturdy. Margret screeched as he plunged into the ice-cold river. It's swift current pulled him away from the banks and sped him off to lands unknown, never to return.

Ok, so he will return. In the third paragraph of the new chapter, in fact.


	2. Blackcoat's House of Love

A/N: OMFG, I LIVE! XD, I actually blame my new obsession with Golden Sun 2, not school, for this. I'm getting kinda sick of Kingdom Hearts... well, I am still writing this story along with a little GS2 fanfiction... _ *hugs Piers/Picard/whatever the hell you call him*

I just noticed my writing style matured or something, and I seem to write more sarcastic humor than random humor. Is this a bad thing?

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Anyway, Little Blond Prancing Boy pranced his way into trouble again! Yes, it was yet another story-bookish ... scene...

"What is this? I smell the scent of sugary, fattening treats in the air!" Little Blond Prancing Boy proclaimed with glee. He fell upon the dirt road and started scuttling towards the scent, the picnic basket trailing behind him, tied by a string.

And lo and behold, a wet, soggy Margret trailed behind him, also assuming the scuttling fashion. The two boys (it's hard to believe Margret, being considerably taller and looking quite older than Little Blond Prancing Boy, could be referred to as a boy, but that's what Gamespot and IGN say) scuttled about for some time, Little Blond Prancing Boy following the scent of simple carbohydrates and Margret trying to find the ample opportunity to pounce on the basket of drugs.

This went on for several minutes, until Little Blond Prancing Boy's eyes saw sweet proof that his nose did not deceive him. The dirt road before him transformed into a suddenly clean trail made up of what looked like melted Jolly Ranchers decorated with Starburst.

"SUCCESS!" Little Blond Prancing Boy cheered, jumping up. The picnic basket was slid over at the exact moment Margret decided to pounce on it. The end result was Little Blond Prancing Boy fleeing further down the path and Margret getting a bloody, possibly broken nose.

The Jolly Rancher/Starburst road of rainbow sugary wonders led to the most wonderful sight Little Blond Prancing Boy had ever seen: A house made up of copyrighted candy brands! The very walls were also made up of melted Jolly Ranchers, the fence was made of Kit-Kat bars, the garden was growing tropical Starburst, the door and window frames were pure Hershey chocolate, and there was the traditional candy cane support beams.

A very large drool puddle had formed under Little Blond Prancing Boy's feet by now.

Of course, there obviously was someone living in the house. Of course, that someone was evil. And just to annoy you, that evil someone was in the first chapter.

That's right: Blackcoat returned for a second time!

"Bwaha, I have become a recurring antagonist, just like Margret! Just without the gay name!" Blackcoat cackled. Actually, he was just pissed off he could not consume/rape Margret or Little Blond Prancing Boy. But this time, he shall!

"Geez, it must be really safe in that house! There must be a friendly person living there ready to share their bounty!" Little Blond Prancing Boy happily decided, being way too optimistic for someone his age.

He pranced right up to wafflestick porch and knocked on the shortcake cookie door. It creaked open, revealing Blackcoat looming there in an overly evil manner, a fake brown mustache attached to where the lip WOULD be on his hood.

"... Jeez, you look familiar..." Little Blond Prancing Boy thought, tilting his head to get a better look at the cloaked figure before him. Yet he didn't know anyone with a cheesy, clichéd mustache.

"Um... you do not know me." Blackcoat coughed. "But that doesn't change the fact I have enough candy to give the entire world population ten toothaches." He cackled, gesturing to the inside of the house.

Looking over his intended victim's shoulder, Blackcoat noticed two very strange things: Margret was still crouching behind Little Blond Prancing Boy, poised to strike like a cobra, and the outside of the house was still intact with no bite marks.

"You didn't try to eat the house?" Blackcoat asked in disbelief.

"... Eeew, no, people stepped all over it..." Little Blond Prancing Boy made a disgusted face as he replied. As if the entire notion of eating a candy house was ridiculous, but assuming that whoever lived in aforementioned house had extra unpoisoned candy to spare was not.

"Well, whatever. Come on in." Blackcoat flowed (yes, flowed) out of the way, his movement almost liquid. 

Little Blond Prancing Boy thought it was sexy. YESSSSSSS.

Blackcoat grinned with sadistic glee as he slammed the door...

...right in Margret's face.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD!" Margret screamed, not bothering to stick with the less offensive abbreviation. The angry mage internally fumed outside on the porch, quickly forming a plan to sneak into the house. The door was made of EXTREMELY STALE bread, and thus was as solid as a rock. Maybe even more. 

His crazed green eyes quickly scanned the front yard. He could probably use a candy cane as a battering ram or something and break the sugar-glass windows. It was not the stealthiest way in, but it was the quickest. Besides, Margret wanted those drugs really bad.

It was a good thing Margret decided to do this, because things were not looking good for our hero inside the house...

The first thing Little Blond Prancing Boy noticed was that instead of the mounds and mounds of tasty, yet copyrighted candy that one would normally find in a candy house, what he found was a bed with shortbread cookie chains attached to the posts, various whips, and assorted sex toys, from vibrators to lubricants that were placed on a desk made of actual wood.

Yep. I feel this fic has earned it's R rating now. 

"... Um." was all Little Blond Prancing Boy could say of this.

"Yes. Isn't it lovely?" Blackcoat cackled, gliding past the stunned future-fucktoy. He (she? it?) stood in front of the desk, prodding the different amounts of sex items, and trying to decide what would be the best one.

Little Blond Prancing Boy blinked...

...then screamed and slammed himself into the door, clawing and scratching at the stale-breadness of the sole thing blocking him from Grandma's house and an extra hole in his ass.

Yet the stale door held, cackling at the poor confused boy while he screamed for mercy. And Blackcoat wasn't even done picking lubricant yet.

Meanwhile, Margret had made his way to the side of the house, whistling merrily with a candy cane support he had wrenched from the side of the house safely tucked under his arm. The house groaned and would have smacked Margret or something, but it was an inanimate object, so it couldn't do anything.

"Stupid house." Margret cackled, sensing it's hateful thoughts directed at him.

The red haired Moomba mutation ("HEY!" Margret growled) stopped as soon as he reached the sugar-glass window. Through the thin, clear (and edible!) substance, Margret could see the screaming figure of Little Blond Prancing Boy running all over the small house while Blackcoat was preoccupied on whether he should use condoms or not.

Stepping back slightly, Margret grabbed the middle of the candy cane and drew his arm back, then slammed the oversized treat into the window with much force. The glass cracked and magically redirected itself to Margret's head, slicing the air and embedding itself into the redhair's hair.

Margret soon realized that the window wasn't sugar-glass after all.

"FUCKING HELL, IT'S REAL GLASS!" Margret cried, falling to the ground and joining the chorus of screams that rang clear in the air. The glass would smile if it could, but it just contented itself with drilling through Margret's skull and devouring the tasty brain meats inside.

Margret then realized not only was this real glass, it was real ZOMBIE glass.

"NOOOOO!!! YOU CAN'T HAVE MY BRAIN MEATS!" Margret hissed, having an epic battle with the glass shards. I would write it down, but I'm too lazy. MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

Whilst Margret had his epic battle with the Zombie Glass Shards, Little Blond Prancing Boy had stopped running around and screaming long enough to find out that the window was devoid of glass, and thus, sweet freedom filtered from it.

"FREEDOM!!!" Little Blond Prancing Boy cackled with glee, and he fled to the window, jumping up, grabbing the sill and toppling over the edge. He landed on something somewhat soft and writhing (gee, I wonder whom that could be?) and sped off without even looking back, the picnic basket bouncing after him.

Blackcoat finally realized that something was going on behind him. Turning around, the startled figure found out that, once again, Little Blond Prancing Boy had escaped from his clutches.

"Damn it!" Blackcoat swore softly, in contrast to all the screaming. He sadly trudged through the room and out the door, thinking he was doomed to a life of lonely masturbation. 

Then he remembered he was a recurring villain.

"Yes..." He snickered, stroking a non-existent beard. He was forming a plot in his experienced villain mind, when his foot came in contact with a rolling red and black body. Startled, Blackcoat looked down...

...and found Margret, who won the war with the Zombie Glass Shards, but spent all his strength. And here he was, lying in a vulnerable pile at Blackcoat's feet.

If Blackcoat ever bothered to take his mysterious hood off, you would have seen a humongous grin, stretching from ear to ear.

"I'M GETTING ME SOME LOVING TONIGHT!" Blackcoat happily sang while he dragged Margret back to the candy house.

Oh dear.

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A/N (again!): XDDDDD this was fun to write. I probably offended lots of people, but last time I checked, there were quite a few yaoi fans here (at least, I think so), and besides, I needed this thing to be R. Blargh.

Up next: Little Blond Prancing Boy and the Six Stages of Drug Addiction.


	3. Kairiella, part one

A/N: OK, I lied. We're doing Cinderella for this next part. Hey, don't look at me like that!! o_o WHY ARE YOU STARING AT ME??? GO AWAY!!!

I apologize for not updating in... forever. It's not that I don't have enough time, I just don't feel like writing x_x my inspiration is thinning... DNUGIVHTUIE KH2 NOW _O

Why aren't people making more fics with the redhead Unknown in them?? YOU DON'T NEED NAMES!! Margret is a fine name, I think ^^

Margret: No it's not!

Quiet, you.

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Whilst Blackcoat was doing yaoi-ish things to Margret to appease the almighty Polygon of Doom, Little Blond Prancing Boy had merrily stopped screaming and flailing his arms in favor for holding his picnic basket and prancing along, totally intent on giving his grandmother these oh so important drugs.

Drugs in the medical sense, he thought.

However, little did Little Blond Prancing Boy know that his assistance would soon be needed, and that he would change the course of history for a small kingdom before he knew it.

This kingdom I speak of is called... The Unnamed Kingdom Which Stayed Unnamed Because the Author Is Freaking Lazy!! Didn't see THAT one coming, did you? Of course not!

In this kingdom, there was a house that ... housed... a family of all women. There used to be males, but the women were feminists and had kicked the males out, but not before castrating them all. Mwahaha.

The women in that house were rich, oh so very rich. The 'mistress' of the house was a woman clad in pink, named Aerith. She looked gentle, but under that smile and pink was a cold, cruel, selfish woman who really regretted being a mother.

The other two girls were Aerith's spoiled brats: Yuffie and Selphie. Yuffie was a tomboy and often enjoyed beating the crap out of any male in the area who dare even looked at her face. Selphie was a hopeless romantic and did such the opposite, hitting on anything that had a penis.

And then there was... Kairi. Kairi was not Aerith's child, she was the child of the dude who used to be married with Aerith. Aerith would have kicked Kairi out too were it not for the fact Kairi was female. So now poor Kairi was forced to be the family slave, but being the happy go lucky girl she was, Kairi grinned and bore it.

Naturally, these girls dedicated their lives to making Kairi's life miserable, ESPECIALLY since today was the day the king of this Unnamed Kingdom was going to hold a ball for his homosexual son, Riku.

Everyone knew that Riku was gay, but the king had refused to accept it, and he had told Riku that either he pick a girl to become the Queen or he was gonna force Riku to marry the ugliest bitch he could find.

Riku was a smart lad, so you know what he picked.

"Stupid author!" I hear you grumbling. "What the hell does this have to do with the story?"

Patience, dear reader!

The invitation to this ball had already arrived in everyone's Inbox, so on that fateful day Kairi logged on to her old Windows 95 crap computer with dial-up AOL, she was delighted to find an actual message waiting for her!!

"Oh, wow!!" She grinned. "Someone knows I exist!" Quickly, she pranced to Aerith's room at the top floor and was about to knock on it...

...when a pair of rough hands snatched her by the shoulders and flung the poor redhead from the door to the cold, hard, marble floor of despair and doom. Kairi hissed and scuttled away from the door, plotting death on the cackling Yuffie.

Yuffie and Selphie of course had beat her to the door, so they had pranced in and requested if they could go to the ball, which if COURSE Aerith accepted. If one of her brats became Queen, that would mean lots of money... and POWER for Aerith.

Kairi, meanwhile, had already scuttled out the door, still plotting death and doom to all of them. She had overheard the noisy girl's conversations and how they specifically asked that Kairi not come, because Kairi was way prettier than the both of them combined.

"They will all perish! PERISH!!" Kairi screamed, once she got to the animal pen where all the future dinners were kept. The animals just looked at the ranting raving girl and shrugged, living out their meaningless existence by eating and growing fat, tender and juicy.

Now, back to Little Blond Prancing Boy.

Little Blond Prancing Boy, in his haste to escape from Blackcoat's House of Love, had taken a wrong turn at Greenland and was now hopelessly lost. There was no more trail for him to follow, and he worried so much for his dear grandma.

"Oh no! Woe is me!" Little Blond Prancing Boy cried in anguish, sinking to the ground on his knees. The picnic basket grew bored of his self-pity time and started bouncing around, making squishy noises.

That was when Little Blond Prancing Boy heard screaming, wailing noises that sounded like the souls of the damned. He squealed in delight, as he identified these sounds as 'civilization' and he quickly pranced in the direction of the sounds, the picnic basket bouncing along.

Little Blond Prancing Boy's prancing feet had led him to the small animal pen, where Kairi was thinking to herself on how to destroy her evil step-sisters once and for all. She had already planned it in her mind... the house ablaze, the sisters and that pink slut screaming as their flesh was being burned... Yes!

"WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" The crazed girl laughed, making dramatic arm movements.

"Why hello, simple village girl!" Little Blond Prancing Boy chirped, his eternal grin plastered on his face.

"Why hello, overly happy boy from city!" Kairi grinned back, somehow knowing that Little Blond Prancing Boy was from the city. Maybe it was the overly bleached clothes that gave it away. No normal villager would have the money for BLEACH.

"Do you happen to know the direction of Grandma's House?" Little Blond Prancing Boy asked again.

"Yes!" Kairi nodded, somehow knowing which grandma Little Blond Prancing was referring to. 

"Do you suppose you could-"

"NO!"

Little Blond Prancing Boy backed away slowly, for now the simple village girl was hissing and sputtering and trying to reach over the fence that mercifully divided the two so that she could grab his sugary heart and eat it.

"I'M SICK OF PEOPLE TELLING ME WHAT TO DO! YOU! BOY! HELP ME BURN DOWN THIS VILLAGE OR FACE MY WRATH!" She hissed, pointing to the boy and holding a carving knife in her other hand.

Little Blond Prancing Boy gulped. He had a feeling that carving knife was not for his heart, but for his sensitive testicles. Tee hee, I said testicles. 

"B-But... burning down a village is wrong..." He sputtered. Of course Little Blond Prancing Boy would not help the rabid village girl burn down the town! That was something only silver haired maniacs who spent their time reading about their messy, uneventful birth in some old library!

"Hey! My birth was not uneventful!" Sephiroth screamed from the author's mental bishie cage. He has subsequently hit with a shoe by Ansem.

"Ah, you did not know? This is a village of cannibals! I'm for dinner today!" Kairi pleaded, trying to make up something to convince the boy to join her legion of evil.

"... Cannibals??" Little Blond Prancing Boy replied, shock coursing through his veins. "You mean they eat innocent children!"

"Why, yes! The family over there-" Kairi indicated, pointing to the mansion where her hated "family" resided. "-had Baby Pot Roast yesterday! Oh, the screaming..." She whimpered, covering her ears in mock horror. "... It was so terrible..."

"HOW TERRIBLE!!" Despite the fact that burning down a village was considered manslaughter, the fact these people eat BABIES was something totally different. Little Blond Prancing Boy knew that he had to help save this poor girl and save the rest of her captive friends, assuming there were still some left!

"I will help you!" Little Blond Prancing Boy agreed, posing heroically. "Though I don't think we have to burn down the town..."

"Yes, we do. I'm the last survivor of their last raid, and they will attack other towns to obtain food!" Kairi hissed, prodding a finger in Little Blond Prancing Boy's manly chest. "They may even attack your city next!"

"... But my city is at least a da-"

"THEY WILL SLAUGHTER ALL THE ADULTS AND EAT THE CHILDREN!!" Kairi ranted on, grabbing Little Blond Prancing Boy's overly bleached shirt and shaking him with much fury.

"OK OK OK OK!!" Little Blond Prancing Boy squealed, flailing his arms and pushing the mad girl away from him. Why did all the cute ones had to be crazy?

"Excellent..." Kairi plotted, bending down and watching the sand, a plan formulating in her mind. Little Blond Prancing Boy figured she must have been thinking, so he sat down with her and started to open the picnic basket.

He did not expect the picnic basket to snarl and snap down on his hand, driving it's splintered teeth through his fleshy hand.

"AUUGH! PAIN!" Little Blond Prancing Boy wailed, waving his bleeding, throbbing hand in the air, and rolling around in pain while the picnic basket cackled and bounced along, taking pleasure in the pain it caused.

Kairi chose to ignore all this and continue scratching out her plan. So far, it involved lots of kerosene, a few Chocobos and some pie. Pie is tasty.

~~~

Meanwhile, Margret was laying on his side in Blackcoat's bed, half asleep, He was murmuring something about having the best sex in his life and Blackcoat lay beside him, arm draped over the delirious Unknown's side and a cigarette in his mouth.

"Mmmm... picnic basket..." Margret mumbled, turning over and snuggling in Blackcoat's side. Blackcoat shrugged and continued to smoke while Margret was trying to remember what picnic baskets had to do with pink elephants.

"Elephants... getting high... drugs... IN THE PICNIC BASKET!" The redhead screamed, bolting up and surprising his partner, who had dropped the cigarette on his lap and started squealing as a small flame began to devour his coat.

"I GOTTA GO!! I CAN'T FORGET MY MISSION!" Margret told Blackcoat, having gotten out of his drunken stupor. The redhead started struggling with the task of hopping to the door while trying to put on his pants, whilst his angry sex partner was trying to put out the fire that just got bigger.

"Hey! Get bac-" Blackcoat was cut off by the sound of the door slamming. The fire had stopped threatening to consume Blackcoat's ... black ... coat... and just sat there on his lap, crackling in confusion. 

Blackcoat was just as confused as the fire was.

"... I got laid tonight!" He grinned with glee.

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I'm splitting this chapter in half for the sake of Brenda's printer XD

So, anyway, I'll try to get the next chapter done, but not anytime soon x_x I have an essay and a stupid report for stupid religious classes which I have no choice to decide about. 


	4. Kairiella, part two

A/N: Well, I tried to make a Christmas type interlude, but my inspiration said "NAY". So I'll just ask you to visualize the characters with Jingly hats on their heads ^^

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MERRY JINGLY EVE/JINGLY DAY, EVERYONE!

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Margret was still stumbling around Blackcoat's front yard, trying to get his pants on. As soon as he got the DAMNED THINGS ON, he could leave and pursue that wonderful yet elusive picnic basket.

Little did he know, he was not alone.

Hiding behind a half-eaten candy cane support beam was the infamous, evil-yet-sexy, talented fanfiction author... LADY YAMI-CHAN!

But for all purposes, she will be referred to as Toki ^^

Anyway, Margret was still having an epic battle with his pants (mainly because he wanted to put them on while trying to eat a bagel, dance the polka and sell child porn to the government on eBay), Toki scuttled about the copyrighted candy fence, keeping low so that Margret could not hear her non-existent fat jiggle.

"Mweeheee..." The demented fangirl cackled quietly, sneaking closer and closer to the unknowing sexy bishie. Alas, by the time she got close enough to pounce and rape him, Margret had finished his bagel and gotten both legs through one pant leg.

"Doo-dee-doo..." Margret sang, hopping a few feet down the Jolly Rancher path...

...JUST WHEN TOKI STRIKED!

"SHA-SHA-SHA-SHA!! EET!" Toki screamed, pouncing from her spot. Margret turned around and screamed like the girl he so wishes he could be, for he saw a giant form blocking out the sun aiming itself at him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Margret squealed, hopping around in a circle. Toki missed Margret by a few inches and landed to his right side, sputtering and hissing.

Margret fell over and started crawling, desperately trying to get away from the crazed fangirl which had re-directed herself and was now scuttling over to Margret's direction like a crazed fangirl-type crab.

Thinking quickly, Margret reached into his underwear and pulled out... A CHRISTMAS COOKIE! Why a Christmas cookie was in his pants, we will never know, but Margret had already thrown it in Toki's direction.

Spotting the brightly colored tasty pastry (IT RHYMES! I R DR. SEUSS! *gets shot*), Toki temporarily forgot about raping the redhead and scuttled after it, screaming chants of "EET!"

Margret laid there on the ground.

And than ran for his pathetic life, somehow being able to run despite the fact that his legs were still in one pant leg.

~~~

Little Blond Prancing Boy grimaced as Kairi managed to tweezer (hee hee) the last splinter from his thoroughly marked and bleeding hand. The picnic basket creaked a little laugh and danced around the pair.

"Your picnic basket has mental issues." Kairi grumbled, tossing her bloody tweezers aside. The tweezer hissed and buried itself in the ground, where it started using Little Blond Prancing Boy's DNA for creating a new breed of prancing earthworms which would shock scientists for decades to come.

"So does your tweezer!" Little Blond Prancing Boy cried with glee. He did a little dance with his picnic basket, when Kairi had enough of his stupid antics and smacked him with a squeaky mallet.

"FOOL BOY!" The demonic redhead snarled. "THE CANNIBALS ARE PLANNING TO EAT THEIR NEXT HORDE OF CHILDREN AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS DANCE?"

Little Blond Prancing Boy made small meeping noises and scuttled back a few feet. Kairi was OK, but she was scary when she was mad. Oh so scary. She made Mary Sues cry.

"JESUS ACTION FIGURE!" Little Blond Prancing Boy randomly screamed, for at that moment, the picnic basket coughed up a Jesus Action Figure, complete with posable arms and gliding action! Yes, such a thing exists, at your nearest Hot Topic!

Kairi stared at the author with narrowed icy steel eyes.

"And what..." she breathed slowly "does that... have to do... WITH ANYTHING IN THIS DAMNED FIC??"

... o_o

"Don't ruin the Jingly spirit." Little Blond Prancing Boy snarfed, hugging his Jesus Action Figure. The Jesus Action Figure started making wavy arm motions and Little Blond Prancing Boy squealed with much joy. 

The picnic basket was sad at being ignored, and it jumped on Kairi's lap. Kairi petted it's woven scratchy surface while thinking of a way to perfect her plan of ultimate destruction of the town. The picnic basket purred.

And then! Kairi had an idea!

"BOY!" She grumbled, prodding Little Blond Prancing Boy's side. He screamed, for he was extremely sensitive, and flopped over, twitching and giggling.

Kairi smacked him upside the head with much rage. He cried.

"BOY!" She tried again, this time without the side-poking. Little Blond Prancing Boy blinked and sat up attentively, the Jesus Action Figure still preaching in his hands.

"There is a cave near this village, wherein lies a giant mech left over by the 5 Saints of Jingly." Kairi explained, grabbing a stick and scratching a little makeshift map on the dirt again, drawing squiggly lines, a beer keg and what looked like Iraq after the US turns it into the 51st state.

Little Blond Prancing Boy nodded and tried his hardest to look like he was listening, when he actually was staring at Kairi's chest. Yeah, there wasn't much there, but Little Blond Prancing Boy was a 14 year old perv too.

"Apples!" He smiled. Kairi blinked and smacked him upside the head with her stick.

"Anyway, the 5 Saints of Jingly sealed this giant mech with a special charm, and they said that only one who has the stupidity and denseness of Cloud Strife is able to break the charm and retrieve the mech inside." Kairi continued, now drawing a stick figure with a Chocobo on his head. She also made sure to draw an arrow going through a sensitive part of a male's anatomy.

Little Blond Prancing Boy grinned with glee. Stupidity and Denseness? Finally, she spoke his language!

"So... I need you to find a kid named Shuyin in the village. He'll be more than enough to break the charm. He can bring his bitch Lenne with him too." Kairi finished, breaking Little Blond Prancing Boy's hopes of being useful like a glass Jingly snowglobe.

"I CAN DO IT!" Little Blond Prancing Boy hissed, stamping his feet angrily. The picnic basket meeped and jumped out of the way of his rampaging feet, making angry clacking noises.

"I'm as stupid and dense as any idiot named Cloud Strife! Let me go get that giant... mech... thing..." Little Blond Prancing Boy pleaded, going on his knees and shaking Kairi's dirty white shirt, also managing to sneak a peek under it.

Kairi slapped him.

"Alright, fine. You go do that. But I don't trust you, so I'm coming with you." The redhead muttered her approval. Little Blond Prancing Boy grinned with much glee and hugged her, also making sure to cop a feel.

His reward was another harsh slap in the face.

"Sheesh, I beat you more than Ansem beats Margret. Come! We must make haste!" Kairi commanded, and with that, she and Little Blond Prancing Boy began their glorious adventure to seek the giant mech, sealed by the 5 Saints of Jingly!

~~~

Meanwhile...

Sephiroth grumbled as he saw his son Riku paying no interest to the large crowd of girls who already set up camp outside of the castle gates. The ball wasn't for another three days, but these girls didn't really seem to care.

"Riku, don't you at least one you think you may like?" Sephiroth asked his son, who cast an apathetic look out the window.

"No, Dad. Can't you just accept the fact that I'm GAY?" Riku arrogantly answered, praying that this time his plea would actually work.

"...No."

"Fucktard." Riku hissed. He strode over to the window, grabbed a random paper weight, opened the window and chucked it at a random bimbo. It sailed over the crowd of wanna-be brides and struck a newcomer in the back row, driving itself through her skull.

The other girls paid no mind and just moved their stuff so it wouldn't be splattered with blood. Less competition for them.

"Score!" Riku grinned. His father greatly resisted the urge to smack the young prince upside the head with his Masamune. 

"Son, I really have nothing against you being gay..." Sephiroth started, practicing his overly rehearsed speech. "It's just that I don't want to have to have the Queen be a guy. How the hell would you have a heir? You'd destroy the bloodline!"

"THAT DOESN'T MATTER!" Riku sobbed. "AT LEAST I'D BE WITH SOMEONE I REALLY LOVED!"

"I didn't love your mother..." Sephiroth pointed out.

"... Yeah, but you're just some Communist bastard with no feelings." Riku countered.

"True."

"Well, then I think we reached a mutual agreement."

"No. You pick a bride in three days or you're marrying that Princess Brahne lady."

Riku's face paled. For those who have not played FFIX, Brahne was an ugly fat blue elephant lady who's horribly misshapen clown face struck fear in the bravest RPG players. Just the mere mention of her name made small children cry.

"OK." He squeaked.

Sephiroth laughed an evil laugh, and started to dance a merry jig on his desk, flinging off his black shirt. The maids all gathered around and cheered Sephiroth on as he started to do striptease while Riku just buried his face in his hands, crying pitifully.

~~~

Now, the story centers on Margret again!

Still shaken from his encounter with the deranged fangirl known as Toki, Margret cautiously walked through the dark forest, jumping at every little sound that he heard.

*crunch*

"AUGH!!!!" Margret jumped to the nearest tree and started madly humping it. Actually, he was trying to climb it, but it really looked like he was humping it instead.

A squirrel came out from the spot and cocked it's head to the side, looking at Margret strangely.

"Oh, it's just you, Mr. Squirrel..." Margret sighed with much relief, inching down from the tree. He bent down to the squirrel's level so he could converse with it more. "I thought you were come crazed fangirl hellbent on raping me."

The squirrel chattered something in squirrel-talk and flung an acorn at Margret's head.

"OW! YOU SHIT!" Margret hissed, pouncing on the squirrel. Alas, the little rodent was far too quick for the bishie and it cackled, prancing away in a mocking fashion. Margret raised his head to snarl demonically at the squirrel (like some other redhead in the story), but he came face to face with...

...Toki.

"NOT YOU AGAIN!" He screeched, the girlish fear in his voice quickly returning. Toki grinned with fangirlish glee and grabbed Margret's red locks harshly, tugging at them, attempting to rip a few strands out for her planned Margret voodoo doll.

"MWAHA! YOU'RE NOT GETTING AWAY THIS TIME!" Toki cackled. Margret screeched even more and managed to pry Toki's hands off his precious hair. Staggering back, he started to run for his miserable life, but was quickly tackled by Toki, who was a hockey player and knew very well the laws of tackling! _O! BOW TO THEM!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Margret grabbed at the dirt before him, trying to crawl away, but Toki had already saddled herself on Margret's hips and was ready to carve his heart out and sacrifice it to Ishkabibble for a Jingly present.

"MUAHAHAHAHA! EET!" She cackled maniacally...

.... when she spotted a certain blond haired idiot who was referred to earlier in this chapter, along with his beautiful long haired brown eyed "bitch", who was actually the dominant one in the relationship.

"Come on, Shuyin honey." Lenne cooed, pulling Shuyin along.

"BIRDY!" Shuyin giggled, pointing to a acorn on a nearby tree. It pelted itself at him with amazing force, but Shuyin also possessed a powerful shield of stupidity and it merely bounced off his head.

"Yes, Shuyin, look at the birdy." Lenne giggled, dragging her bishie along. Shuyin cast a look at Lenne's chest.

"Apples!" He repeated Little Blond Prancing Boy with another stupid grin. This time, Lenne's grin faltered for a second.

"Yes, Shuyin, apples. Now, let's go to the doctor before you hurt yourself or I hurt you." Lenne smiled again, trying very hard not to strangle the handsome, but STUPID bishie.

"SHUYIN! LENNE!" Toki squealed with delight, jumping off Margret and forgetting he ever existed, for there were two more interesting characters in front of her. "COME BACK! I WANT TO SEE YOU TWO HAVE SEX!!"

Margret blinked. He had just narrowly escaped being ravaged again.

"... I GOT SK33LZ!" Margret shouted with glee. Another acorn flung itself at Margret's head and he was knocked out for the rest of the chapter.

~~~

Little Blond Prancing Boy, meanwhile, was happily prancing his way to the great Cave of the Sealed Mech, with his faithful picnic basket at his side and Kairi a few feet behind him, muttering something about finding out the source of Little Blond Prancing Boy's energy.

Why, it was Mountain Dew, of course.

Reviewing the map with Kairi, Little Blond Prancing Boy learned that in order to reach this Cave of the Sealed Mech, he had to go through the Forest of the Druggies, the Unholy Mountain of Beer and the Land of the Playboy King.

But ya know what? No one wants to hear about that crap, and the author doesn't want to write about that crap because she's lazy and she just wants to cut to the chase. So let's just fast forward to the part where they actually reach the cave. 

~~~

"Look! Kairi! I can see it!"

Little Blond Prancing Boy pranced up to the mouth of the cave (with the words "Cave of the Sealed Mech" conveniently stringed up with colorful Jingly lights) and peered deep into it's dark depths, trying to see a giant mech.

"You have to go IN the cave, dumbass." Kairi hissed, out of breath and feeling somewhat misplaced. She was wearing a black one-piece swimsuit with white leggings, and a bunny ears/tail combo set. Nevertheless, it is safe to say she didn't pass through the Land of the Playboy King unscathed.

"... I knew that!" Little Blond Prancing Boy smiled, but still, he didn't go in.

"... WELL?"

"Someone's already in there." Little Blond Prancing Boy blinked, pointing inside the cave. Kairi stepped closer and peered in, just like her stupid companion did. Indeed, she could make out the faint whispers of conversation in the cave.

__

"Now... lead me to th... or el... this bitch will..."

"No! Lenne!"

"Shuyin! Do som... ing!"

"HOLY CRAP, YOU'RE RIGHT!" Kairi growled, her hatred boiling over. Grabbing Little Blond Prancing Boy's arm roughly, she started dragging the confused boy with her deeper into the cave, the picnic basket bouncing along.

"But Kairi! It's rude to-"

"NO! WE MUST GET TO THAT MECH! I HAVE TO WATCH THAT TOWN BURN!! DO YOU HEAR ME?? BURN!!!"

During Kairi's short burst of ranting, they had already reached the end of the cave, where the source of the voices were found!

"YOU!" Little Blond Prancing Boy pointed to one of the figures, a tall dark one he knew very well.

IT WAS BLACKCOAT!

"YES! I'M BACK!" Blackcoat laughed, drowning in his recurring villain-ness. He was holding Lenne in what looked like some sort of weird headlock, and beside him was a very angry Shuyin, who so desperately wished to destroy Blackcoat but was worried for Lenne's safety.

Awwwww....

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Kairi grumbled, putting her hand on her hip and striking a "don't-fuck-with-me-puny-male" pose. Blackcoat just eyed her curves, despite the fact she didn't really have any.

"Child molester." Lenne grumbled.

"Um... I'm here to retrieve this mech, of course. Just because I'm the villain and I'm supposed to stop you from whatever you plan on doing." Blackcoat explained casually, shaking Lenne a little. Shuyin growled and started picking at his hair for his portable keyboard of doom.

"But Blackcoat!" Little Blond Prancing Boy opened his mouth. Kairi slapped it closed and pushed Little Blond Prancing Boy off to the side, sick and tired of hearing his annoying voice.

Besides, she knew that Little Blond Prancing Boy's true intention was telling Blackcoat that Shuyin had found his portable keyboard and was raising it over his head with full intent to kill.

"What?"

*SMASH*!

With a mighty blow, Shuyin smacked Blackcoat unconscious with his Mighty Portable Keyboard. Vegnagun awoke somewhere very far away and started destroying everything in it's sight, but then it got bored and decided to go pole dancing in Las Vegas. With Link. 

Blackcoat groaned and toppled over, falling on a very sharp stone. A faint "Ow!" could be heard and Shuyin grinned with stupid glee.

"Shuyin! You saved me! I love you!" Lenne praised her stupid bishie boyfriend, leaping in his arms and having a passionate make-out session.

Kairi and Little Blond Prancing Boy watched with mild interest before a glimmer of metal caught Kairi's eye. She gasped and pranced forward, for it was there! THE GIANT MECH OF JINGLY!

The Giant Mech of Jingly was best described as some sort of demented Santa Claus mech. It was big, round, and very shiny with red metallic paint. Inside it's mouth was the control panel, which ironically looked like a giant keyboard. It seems like Bevelle made a theme park attraction that ate people. YAY!!

"Little Blond Prancing Boy! LOOK! THE MECH OF JINGLY!" Kairi was oh so happy as her eyes devoured the giant metal atrocity that beheld her sight. With this... she could rule the WORLD!

But first! REVENGE!

"Look Kairi! They're starting to undress! Man, Lenne's apples are big..."

"ENOUGH ABOUT THAT! COME!"

And so, Kairi and Little Blond Prancing Boy rode off with the Giant Mech of Jingly, razing a path of death and destruction.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And this is where I end XD I actually got this done! YAY!


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